just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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