I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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