I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
