At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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