I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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