just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
