the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
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I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
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HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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