i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
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Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
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What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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