Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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