My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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