Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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