Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
do herpes really smell.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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