Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize