I just threw up on my dentist
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Found your dick twin last night
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
