New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
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Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.