At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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