I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
