Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
