When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
