I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.