there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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