I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize