at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
