And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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