I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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