They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
