Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
