he looks like a really good dad on facebook
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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