I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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