Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
