I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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