I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
