I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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