yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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