Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
