I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
