so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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