just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
