If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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