Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I touched a dick in church today
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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