My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
