His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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