I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
high people should be assigned attendants
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
