I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
