I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
