I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
