Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i dont even know how to be here
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
