I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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