I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
