I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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