I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
