I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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