he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
