Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
