Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
