This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
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