im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
