I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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